Isaiah Joseph,

My breakdown came out of nowhere today. I was in the boys’ room all morning attempting to completely clean it and throw half of the random junk away. While I cleaned their room, I listened to my Signs book.

By the time I had to bring Elijah to school, I was losing it. I have so much that I want to do for you, but I can’t even get it straight in my head. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to do things, and I don’t know where to go for help. There’s about a thousand things going through my brain at once and I can’t silence the noise to start making headway on anything.

I started crying and on the way to Elijah’s school, I begged you for a sign. I didn’t know if you were listening, but I took my chances. I hope you see what I’m trying to do for you and can see my “vision” of the good that it would bring to people. When I asked you to let me know if I was on the right path, I just wanted you to let me know that although it’s nothing that I want it to be right now, I’m headed in the right direction.

When we got out of the car and walked up to the school, I looked around at the different license plates to see if “720” would appear out of nowhere, but it didn’t. As we were standing at the doors, waiting for them to open, a little girl ran in front of me chasing someone else. There, on her book bag, was a little stuffed sea turtle keychain.

I know I cried even more after that, but it’s not a bad cry. It’s like in the midst of this chaos in my head, you’re there to try and ground me. I’m going to just watch a ton of YouTube videos tomorrow to try and learn how to update the site and sit down to map out what I want to do with everything.

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Please keep showing up, I’m clearly needy and signs from you manage to do something nobody else can do. Goodnight and sweet dreams.