My sweet boy,

I’m at a weird point in this grief journey right now. I had therapy and I told her all about the signs and that road I was starting to travel down. I’m torn between how to feel about any of it. In my logical mind, I feel like maybe I’m losing it. I feel as if people are going to think I’m crazy. On the other hand, taking those things as signs from you brought such peace to my heart.

I told my therapist about all of it and she asked me how seeing the different things made me feel. I told her that the instant feeling was joy, connection, and love. Then I started to feel silly and question myself and if it was just an odd coincidence. My therapist said, “if it makes you feel good, why not do it then?”.

I’ve told you before, but I have this fear that I will never see you again. My faith and the beliefs that I had before we lost you were shattered and completely changed after you left. I would just randomly talk to my family members that had passed before, not wondering if they heard me. I would just talk and knew that it was getting through to them. What if I start to put all I have into figuring out signs, only to find out in the end that there’s nothing? I wouldn’t find out until I died, which wouldn’t matter anyway, but that’s what I’m afraid of.

I’m going to work on being more receptive and open. I’m going to work on not caring if I seem like I’m losing it to other people, if it brings me something positive in connection with you.

We started a new routine tonight at dinner, my therapist suggested it. I don’t say kind things to myself, but make sure your siblings always do. To be kinder to myself and model it for your siblings, we are going to share one thing we are proud of that we did for that day. Tonight, I said I was proud that I had therapy.

Elijah scored his first goal tonight during practice. Please try and visit him in his dream and tell him “good job”. He’d love to hear that from you. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.