Isaiah Joseph,

I came across this picture today and I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen it before, but it broke me. I don’t know why, but it was right away. Maybe it’s because I look at you in the picture and you look so much older than eight years old, yet I’m constantly reminded you never made it past that. It might be because I remember what an amazing brother you were to Ellie when she broke her foot and would help carry her, her crutches, or her stuff around to help her. I’m glad I came across the picture, but it made me more upset than I was expecting to be tonight.

I started to look through all my pictures to see if I had any other options for your siblings’ Isaiah doll. Unfortunately, just two months before we lost you was that other horrible time in my life and all I came across everything I had saved in my phone from that time.

Seeing things and reading things again brought back up the pain from that time, but more importantly it brought up the pain I now have from my regrets of that time. I wish you didn’t have to see me like that the last part of your life. I wish I wasn’t in such a bad place and so depressed that took full advantage of your last months. I wish we spent just as much time at the beach and hiking the last few months as we did the first year we got to Hawaii.

I feel like you’re still looking out for me and you’re putting people in my life that should be there, but I regret that last little bit of time I had with you.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.