Isaiah Joseph,

Today was hard. It was really hard. I think everything just piles up and at some point I just break down. I was crying when I picked Elijah up, he noticed right away. I told him I was just having a rough day in life.

It’s a lot of random “why” questions. Why did I have to lose a child? Why did this happen? Why can’t I catch a break. It’s selfish for me to wonder about why I had to lose you. Parents lose children every single day. Parents lose babies. It’s unfortunately a horrible part of life. A few parents have told me “welcome to the club you wish you’d never have to be in”.

Ellie’s school counselor called me today while Ellie was at school. Ellie was worried about me running and something happening to me. The counselor talked to Ellie and then let her call me. Guess what, Ellie feels responsible for me. She told her counselor since I’m the “only adult” at the house that she needs to make sure I’m “okay”. My eleven year old daughter thinks she’s in charge of my wellbeing.

Isaiah, the feelings from your loss come and go without a warning. Sometimes they become absolutely crippling. Since you’ve passed, I haven’t woken up to an alarm. I can’t get myself to wake up early and get moving. Your siblings start coming into my room usually around 6:15am and it’s a struggle for me to decide to just start the day.

I missed you so much today. As I was watching the kids come out of Lucas’ school, you could tell who the older kids were. The last grade at that school is third grade and today I paid close attention to the boys and their height. I visualized the smile you would give me as you walked out and saw me. You always stopped to give me a kiss in Hawaii before you rode your bike home ahead of me.

I’m so grateful for your siblings and would never leave them, but sometimes this new life is just so draining. I want to go back to when I thought I was having a “bad day” and just tell myself to wake up and look at reality, it’s not that bad.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. You are everything to us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.