Isaiah,
The blanket of darkness that has come with your loss is suffocating. As hard as this is to say, if it weren’t for your siblings then I would have given up on this life to be with you. Even with them here, days can be difficult and forcing myself to get us out of the house is a huge thing. When you add mom guilt onto this grief, it’s a really rough place to be.
I managed to get us outside today for a little bit. We got some hoagies and went to eat them at Miner’s Park. I haven’t been there since we went before we moved to Hawaii. You really liked that park the last time we were there.
While we were at the park, your siblings could tell that I was “off”. I don’t know if it’s the correct thing to do, but I don’t pretend to be “okay” and happy. Elijah asked what was wrong and I said, “I just miss your brother and I’m just so angry about everything that happened. I’m so mad and I have nowhere to put it”. Well, your intelligent brother recalled something he learned on a Bluey episode. He told me that in a certain episode that Bluey got very mad so she took her anger out and threw it in the trash (Lucas said ocean so I don’t know which is correct). So I listened and took my anger, pulled it out with my hand, and threw it out into the trees in the park. Elijah asked me if I felt better, but when I told him that I was still angry he told me I just needed to go watch Bluey myself then.
On a completely other note, can we show our appreciation for shows like Bluey? My gosh, it’s amazing the positive things they teach kids. I don’t believe that Eureka’s Castle or Peter and the Gnomes ever taught me how to manage my feelings during my childhood, but maybe I am wrong?
I don’t know how I’m supposed to live in survival mode the rest of my life. I feel like that’s what I’m always doing. Please come visit one of us. Lucas has said a lot that he thinks he sees shadows and people walking around the house, maybe that’s you? If not, please come and tell whoever that is to go away. I really don’t need to deal with that right now. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.