My sweet boy,
Another day just passed by. We didn’t do much today because I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I did spend a few hours in your brothers’ room trying to clean it and get rid of things without them knowing. Lucas is a borderline hoarder and I popped almost twenty balloons and threw them away. However, I was nice enough to leave his four small water balloons in the bowl on his dresser. Neither one of them sleep anymore, so out of pure desperation I thought maybe they’d sleep better if their room was clean. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, but I can already tell you it’ll probably fail.
I never thought I’d still be doing these ridiculous little things to try and get my kids to sleep. I was always so desperate for sleep that I was ready and willing to try anything with you guys. You had the amber teething necklace (Aunt Nae Nae called it your Mr. T necklace), I gave you a pacifier, I bought the Merlin Magic Sleep Suit (you looked like a giant marshmallow, it was ridiculous), I diffused lavender, I rubbed lavender on your feet, I perfected a bedtime routine, but it was just never meant to be. Sleeping once I had children was just not in the cards that I was dealt. You were the best sleeper through the night, as in you slept through the night at eight years old, but you woke up extremely early. It didn’t matter what time you went to bed, you were up between 5-6am.
I worry what your siblings will remember about me from this time. Will they grow up and tell people, “once we lost our brother, we just lost our mom too”. I’m really trying. I feel like I’m a shell of myself, while also being a completely different person than I ever was years before.
We took Bella on a walk tonight. Bella is still quite overweight so it’s never the longest walk, but it’s nice with the trail so close. We don’t go very far, but it’s nice to get out and get fresh air. Your siblings all rode their bikes while I walked with Bella. On the way back home, I got to carry Elijah’s balance bike and he walked Bella. It was nice to just get out and get moving. I never regret it once I’m out doing it’s but getting out there is the extremely difficult part.
I’m starting to mess up my typing, so I’m going to go to bed. Elijah said he had a dream about you last night, he seemed very happy about it: I love you more than anything in the world, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.