Isaiah,

I’m glad we went today. I’m happy they have resources like this available to us. I’m thankful that they put in such time and effort into everything. Today was an okay day.

The retreat was on the other side of the city, so we had a little bit of a drive. I felt a little lighter this morning so I blasted 2000’s hip hop in the car and forced everyone to listen to it. I was dancing as I drove along with the windows open and actually had a smile on my face. It’s funny, Elijah still is amazed every time we come out of the Liberty Tunnel. It’s just something I never thought my own kids would really experience so each time I think I take special note of it.

When we arrived, we ate lunch and had a few activities to do at our table. We had a palm leaf where we had to write things about you on it. Once we were done, it went up onto the palm tree with all the other ones that were filled out. They also had a little surf board to write on and talked about how grief came in waves. I really appreciated that comparison and the surf board. I asked Lucas and Ellie, but they were too busy doodling on their papers. Elijah wanted to fill it out though. He took the surf board and wrote “stressed”. He’s so young, yet so much more in tune with how he’s feeling and can put it into words. It’s amazing. Then we took a picture together and it got hung up by your name.

After lunch, we went to three different stations. At the first station, your siblings played different games outside at the playground, while I sat with a few of the parents in a room to just talk. They split everyone up, so I was only with three other families. The other parents were nine years, seven years, and four years into their losses. While I listened to them, I learned that this is my life for the rest of my life.

They had little cards with prompts on them that you could use to start the conversation. I actually brought all the prompts home because I feel like they could help me get more in depth into things with myself. One of the cards mentioned “closure” and I asked the more seasoned parents, “is that even a thing”? They told me that there’s no closure and it never gets “better”. The one mother who’s nine years into the loss of her son told me you never get “used to the feeling” either. I feel like I need to sit down with much more seasoned parents and hear their stories. Maybe it’ll be easier to accept the rest of my life.

During the second session, we decorated coconut bowls. Lucas pretty much took the lead on that one and colored the majority of it. Elijah drew a pizza and a palm tree, while Ellie drew a heart. Lucas made large spots of colors randomly throughout. On pieces of paper, we wrote down favorite memories with you to go in the coconut. Two of your brothers’ favorite memories involve you stripping down and dancing, once during the Minions and the Rise of Gru and once when you were acting like Captain Underpants. I put a few in, but I wanted to take the opportunity that I had to get some of their memories down on paper. Most of the memories involved you making everyone laugh.

At the final station, we decorated a sea shell in memory of you. This was your siblings favorite station and Ellie spent more time there than any of us. While I was still finishing my shell with Ellie, your brothers were both finished. I could hear them across the patio playing with their shells as the shells were “talking to each other”. It just makes me think of all the times you guys would play “say hi” with whatever toy it was at the moment.

At the end, your siblings went into the pool. Unlike Hawaii, having a pool party in the middle of September in Pittsburgh is a little unheard of. Nobody lasted very long because of how cold the water was, but they still enjoyed it.

I loved recounting memories about you today. I loved hearing the joy and seeing the smiles on your brothers’ faces as they told me things you did to make them laugh. Even as they told them today, they still laughed. I’d give anything to not have to feel this pain every single day, but I’m grateful for the opportunity we got today to celebrate you.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.