My baby boy,

Tomorrow we have our “retreat” over here. I’m putting it in quotes because it isn’t close to the retreat we had in Hawaii. It’s with the program that sets up events for bereaved siblings and it’s actually a luau. Even though we lived in Hawaii for two and a half years, this will be our first luau. The ones in Hawaii were always so expensive and it just never happened. Although it’ll be nothing like an authentic luau, I will appreciate every little part of it.

Hopefully I can connect with some other parents at the event. You know how I am, overly awkward, so it’s always a toss up. I’m hoping that Ellie and Lucas see some of the kids that they went to camp with and kind of catch back up with some of them.

I thought once school started back up that I would come out of this grief spiral I’ve been in for so long. It seems like the spiral is either going down or I’m sitting right at the bottom and just keep going around there.

I have my final step before I can start subbing in Peter’s next week. I tell myself that maybe once I can start doing that, then maybe I can start to dig my way out, but I know that’s a lie. I’ve always been the person to tell myself that I just need to do this one thing and then everything will be better, but it never is.

I know there’s no way it’ll be better because we lost you, yet I hold out hope thinking I just need to change something I’m doing and it’ll all magically be just a little better. I’m just constantly sad, exhausted, and wondering what the heck I’m doing.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.