My Isaiah Joseph,

Today was hard. It was difficult, draining, and I couldn’t wait for it to end. I had to change psychiatrists when we moved here because my one I saw for two and a half years wasn’t certified in Pennsylvania. In order to make sure my anxiety meds are taken care of, I needed to find a new one.

I completely forgot I had the appointment today, but got reminded ten minutes before. I also completely forgot that since it’s an initial appointment with the new lady, that it was going to be a longer appointment than usual. She hadn’t looked at any of my previous information, so I had to go back through the last two and a half years in detail to her. Retelling and having to relive everything again is horrible. I got off that call feeling like I had just run for hours.

That feeling kept up the entire day. It doesn’t help that it’s also cold and rainy here and your siblings have been sick the past week. We’ve been stuck inside and I’ve been stuck inside with the chaos that is this house and all the moving boxes and bins.

I don’t know what I needed after that call. I just wanted to call and cry to someone, but I had just spent the last forty-five minutes crying. I wish I could just cry to you. I’m about to go onto a local Facebook page and see if I can find parents around here that have also lost kids and try and meet up with them in person. It sounds super weird, but I’m desperate.

I wonder if the constant breakdowns means I’m grieving you how I should. The constant grief has to at least mean that I’m facing what I need to.

Isaiah, I don’t know what to do, baby. Ellie just called me and asked what was wrong. I told her I missed you and we talked a little about you. Ellie doesn’t like to cry in front of anyone, whereas I cry in front of anyone and everyone. She goes back to that day a lot. Tonight she said that Maddie and Eleanor tried to talk to you first, but you didn’t answer them. Ellie gives me these rare glimpses into her mind and although it makes me sad that it’s what she’s thinking, I’m happy she will share it with me.

There is no fixing this. There is no way to make this better. I guess I just live the rest of my life in this space where I feel like I can’t breathe in the darkness. Ellie told me before that if she has a boy, she’s going to name him after you. I’m sorry you won’t get to meet him.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.