My Isaiah Joseph,

Today we celebrated Elijah’s birthday. He got seven Lego sets for his birthday, you would have been so excited and asked him if he needed help so many times. I oddly thought today would feel like a “better birthday”. Elijah’s birthday last year was an obvious mess. I thought this one would feel like a “normal birthday”.

Maybe this is the new “normal birthday”. The new normal birthday has a cloud of sadness around it. This new normal birthday feels like no matter how hard we try, there will always be something that’s missing and it’ll never be complete.

Elijah felt your absence. You could see it at various times today, but he kept most of it to himself. I remember the days of hearing “this is the best birthday ever” and I don’t think I will ever hear those words again. He told us he missed you after we left the trampoline park, but told daddy a little more later in the day. He tried to hide the fact that he was crying and told daddy that he didn’t think you were there with him for his birthday.

What do you say to that? I’m going to be honest, I don’t really “feel” like you’re here either. I’d love to just know that you are, but that’s something I will never factually know. How do you tell your child something when you don’t even have the answer yourself? How do you answer your child when it’s not even an answer you can go and look up somewhere? When I was younger, I was under the impression that adults knew absolutely everything. I don’t know how they did, but it just happened that way. Now I’m a few months away from forty years old and realize that I swear I have very little knowledge about life. I’m going to be honest with your siblings from the start when I don’t have the answers to their questions.

Elijah had us hide all his birthday presents today, a tradition you started out of nowhere for some birthday. I hope you did come by and see your brother at some point today. It would have meant the world to him. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.