My Isaiah Joseph,
Tomorrow morning is when you have to go meet Apollo.
Apollo woke up even worse this morning so daddy and I talked about how we needed to make plans. Daddy asked me if I wanted him to do it, but I said I would. I am notoriously good at running away from things I don’t want to face. I will know it’s there and that I need to do it, but I will keep putting it off. I did that with this decision for just a few hours, but I managed to get to it. Although I agree that it needs to happen, making the plans solidifies everything. However, Apollo isn’t doing any better and I want to make sure that daddy is still here when all of this happens.
Once I managed to find someone to come to our house tomorrow, I got started to feel really uncomfortable and very anxious. Oddly enough, it was similar to how I felt when I knew the hours were ticking down to when we had to say “goodbye” to you. Before making the actual plans, I was very at peace with what was happening. Apollo is twelve years old, he’s lived in five different states with us and has crossed the ocean twice, he somehow became a kind of emotional support/best friend to me during some of the times when I was the loneliest, he’s had a good life. What’s happening to him now is not what he deserves. As soon as I made the appointment for tomorrow, though, that peaceful feeling was gone.
Apollo spent the entire day with us. I was too worried to leave him home while we went out so he came everywhere with us. We went to a bounce house place for Lucas’ birthday and daddy and I took turns sitting with Apollo in the van. Then we went and got McDonald’s for Lucas’ birthday lunch where Apollo got to enjoy both a cheeseburger and some chicken nuggets.
Lucas wanted to go to the park later tonight and Apollo came to the park with us, too. As soon as we got to the park, that’s when I started to ask daddy if we were making the right decision. Apollo was “kind of” walking okay, but not. Were we making a huge mistake that we could never go back on?
While your siblings and daddy played Monster on the playground, I walked Apollo around on the path. During that walk he fell into a tree, he fell into the creek, and at one point he didn’t know how to get out of the grass that was a few inches taller because he couldn’t understand lifting his paws.
Once we got home, I gave him some soft food to eat. Daddy had to hold up the bowl for him and even with the extra assistance, he still couldn’t really eat the food. He tried, but couldn’t. After watching him struggle with that and fall into the wall, daddy and I both agreed that this is for the best.
Daddy moved my mattress to the floor tonight so I can spend Apollo’s last night lying next to him. It’s just another aspect of life, but right now I would have a few choice words for it.
Goodnight, my baby, I love you with all that I have. Sweet dreams.