My Isaiah Joseph,

Today was just a continuation of yesterday. I was overly angry and just wanted the feeling to fade away a little on its own. No such luck, though.

We went to the library this afternoon. I asked the librarian if she could help me find the books that Jacki had dedicated to you. I hadn’t brought the piece of paper with the titles on it, so I didn’t remember the exact titles. The librarian went to look for both books for me, but guess what? Both of your books were currently checked out. This made me cry, someone was enjoying something because someone remembered you. I also would have cried if they were there and I saw the dedication, so it was inevitable.

We had the Caring Place tonight. Elijah completed an obstacle course, Lucas made a superhero cape, and Ellie played frisbee outside. I think we are about halfway through with our sessions and we are going to start planning our quilt square next week.

In my group, they asked how I was and I just went off. I told them how I was angry and had nowhere to direct it. I also cried a lot tonight. It wasn’t just the tearing up crying either, it was the crying where you can’t always understand what the person is saying. I felt better afterwards, though. I shared today about your garbage bag that I didn’t want to throw away. There was someone talking about not being able to eat or get rid of the Girl Scout cookies her sister ordered, but never got a chance to pick up. She’s not sure why, but she just holds onto everything. I felt so seen and could relate so much. It’s like a giant breath of fresh air when you can connect with someone on that sort of thing.

It was probably a total fluke, but you should know both boys slept through the night last night in their clean room. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe it was because their minds were more settled in the cleaner space, but it doesn’t matter because it happened.

I’m hoping for a somewhat lighter day tomorrow, baby. As we approach your birthday, though, I am not sure how much I will actually get of that.

I love you more than anything in the world, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.