My baby boy,

The positives for the day are that I am ahead of last year and I ordered your birthday cake. It’s vanilla, Minecraft, and it’ll say “Happy Birthday Isaiah” in red icing. Last year we just couldn’t and ended up picking up a random cake the day of your birthday. I do remember eventually laugh/crying with your nurse Kristin about it because she had a similar experience and we said we felt like horrible moms for not being prepared for your birthdays, even though you guys weren’t there and wouldn’t care.

In other positive news, both Ellie and Elijah have had dreams about you the past two nights. Elijah had one two nights ago and Ellie had one last night. Ellie seemed relieved and said you “finally” came to visit her again. However, she let me know that in her dream you were forced to watch her shows and you weren’t happy about it. I’m sure you weren’t, a lot of her choices are very questionable.

In the not as positive news, today wasn’t a much better day. What am I expecting, though? Am I expecting to wake up all refreshed and excited to start my day? I’m still in survival mode, am exhausted, and sad and angry. I was always warned that the second year was the worst, maybe that’s just what it is.

I guess I need to stop finding the reasons and let it just be what it is. I don’t know how to let myself just be so angry at losing you, though. What does that look like? I’ve said it a thousand times at this point, but I really need to actually start meditating and trying to channel my emotions that way.

I need to take better care of myself and get out of survival mode, but one day at a time. I wish you could visit Lucas sometime soon. He said tonight that he hadn’t had a dream about you since he “was seven”. Yes, I’m well aware he’s only been eight for about two weeks, but in his timeline it seemed like forever.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.