Hi baby,
Hi baby,
Another day gone without you here. It seems like forever ago that you were here with us.
I played Life with Lucas today. I know you loved playing that game, but we didn’t get to play it a lot. The most we played it was in Virginia when it was me playing with an 8, 6, 4, and 2 year old. I was the only reliable banker so I had to keep track of everyone’s stuff. Let’s be honest with each other, too..there’s no way Elijah was sitting there calmly as we played for around an hour. I needed a few minutes of silence in a small and dark room after those games just to get my sanity back. I beat Lucas. However, he claimed I only won because I was “stealing his money” as I was counting his life tiles. Forget the fact that he made $60,000 and then $20,000 for his payday while I made $100,000, he said I stole his money and that’s the only reason I won. As another little exciting tidbit from Lucas today, he was “catching air” with Tupperware containers today. I needed to put it away and wanted to make sure he wasn’t using it to catch bugs or lizards, but he looked at me so serious and told me he was “trying to catch air”. In the end, I’m not exactly sure if he was successful or not.
Elijah asked me today what the worst day of my life was. I told him the beach on May 31st was the worst day of my life. That’s the day you were gone. I understand the death wasn’t declared until six days later, but you were gone from the beginning. He said that was the worst day of his life, too. It’s sad that at thirty-eight years old, I share the same “worst day of my life” with a child who’s only five. I don’t know how this will all affect them later in life. I laugh/cried with a mom yesterday at Kids Hurt Too on how we are just trying our best to “not screw our kids up”.
Ellie was sad because there was a thing at school today where a lot of the siblings were together showing a game they built. She came out and told me that’s something that really bothered her today. The bright spot in that was that during the time she ended up seeing Sophia and Olivia so that made her happy.
I feel like I need to be cuddled in a blanket and just told over and over that “it’s going to be alright”. I still don’t see an “other side” of this whole thing, it’s still too fresh. Instead of living day to day and just focusing on that, I’m trying to look into the future and find the time when my mind isn’t running a million things through my head all at once. There’s so many things, yet I swear half of it is useless/doesn’t actually exist. It just seems like I’m making it day by day, but barely. My body is making it, but it’s also hurting from the running and not a lot of sleep and my mind is gone. I’m here. I’m going through the motions, making through each day, doing what I need to do as a mom.
I wish you were here. I wish we were back in Pennsylvania right now and we would be planning on going to the pumpkin patch this weekend. We didn’t even get to go last October, there was too much going on. Not to mention that the first time we went it was so hot here. We barely made it out with the pumpkins. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.