My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

I took today for myself. The thrift shop was having their clothing bag sale so you know I obviously went there. I had that ache in my heart as I looked through the larger boys’ clothes. I always bought stuff knowing it would get worn by one of the three boys. Plus, if Elijah and Lucas grew as fast as you did I needed to be ready. I looked through clothes though, putting larger sizes in my bag, knowing I don’t have to wonder if it’s big enough for you. When I took the boys to the pool the other day I actually just took all the bathing suits and trunks down because it’s not at all organized. I have so many trunks that I bought for you because of how fast you grew. We lived in Hawaii, I wanted you to have enough. I folded all the ones I had for you and put them on the bottom shelf.

I went to Mokuleia today. It’s just my “go to” at this point. It’s only like fifteen minutes away and there’s never really anyone there. I just sat on the beach and read my book for five hours. It was so peaceful.

I know I told you I’ve been reading a lot more lately. After you passed, my self-help books became books about grief, losing a child, and how to survive. I read those just so I would feel like I had a handle on something in my life. I was able to learn that although sometimes I felt like I was completely losing it, that it was normal. As helpful as those books were, they were a lot of emotional energy used up reading those. So now I’m reading romantic comedies just because. They let my mind stop. I’m not picturing you floating in the ocean, wondering what my next step in life is, looking at the house and telling myself all the things that need cleaned, or just staring off into space having no idea what I’m even thinking. Some have been really good. Some I couldn’t get past chapter two before I gave up. Then there’s ones I forced myself to finish because it was “fall themed” and I wanted to feel in the season. Some of them are super corny and predictable, but they make me happy and focused on something else.

Well my book today took a dark turn. There was a car accident. One of the first things they did was check to see if his eyes dilated. They were relieved, he still had brain activity. Then they went into details about the emergency room, the running around, the noise, the chaos. It was all a horrible flashback to you. Maybe it’s common knowledge, but I never knew eye dilation was checked for brain activity until after you were in the hospital. I only knew that I had to check your eyes after you hit your head to make sure your eyes dilated. If they didn’t, we needed to go somewhere. As I was reading the book though, it all hit way too close to home. Obviously, I had to keep reading because I couldn’t end it and go home on that note. I had to make it “okay” before I drove home. The character was improving in the hospital, until the nurse checked his eyes and that was it. All I could see was your green eyes when I lifted your eye lids to see you in the hospital.

That was too much, I had to stop and drive home. As I was driving, Carless Whisper came on by George Michael. It’s one of those songs that I just have to belt out when it comes on. So I drove home with that song on repeat, while crying and screaming the words. I know you’ve heard this song a lot, it’s a song I can never turn off.

I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. We all miss you so much and life just isn’t even close to the same without you. Please watch over us. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.