My Isaiah Joseph,

Happy Birthday Eve Eve. One of the first things Lucas said to me this morning was, “tomorrow is Isaiah’s birthday Eve.” Indeed it is and Lucas loves celebrating the Eve of everything.

Back in the beginning of May 2024, we found the house that we were going to be moving into. It was beautiful and we were all so excited. There was an amazing deck off the back of the house and I remember looking at the pictures and thinking how we could have your birthday parties out there. I had it all planned out in my head.

Last year, your birthday was obviously extremely difficult. We got your cake that day, a random one from the commissary, we decorated a little, and I knew I wanted to still sing Happy Birthday to you. For whatever reason, I did not think singing that song to an empty chair, your picture, and a cake you’d never see would be so difficult. In hindsight, how would it not be that hard?

After your birthday last year, I looked ahead and thought I would want to have a celebration every year for your birthday. Decorate, invite family and friends, celebrate you, but I’m not at that point this year. I actually don’t want to even decorate the house. I feel like it’ll just make me more upset to hang things up for your birthday, but I also want your siblings to see the importance in continuing to celebrate their brother.

I guess I thought I would be at a different place than I actually am right now. I thought I would be able to happily celebrate you on your birthday, but was very wrong. I’m definitely not there yet.

I’m just hoping to make it through in one piece. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.