My Isaiah Joseph,

A situation today came out of nowhere. It’ll be one that’s visited in therapy, but I feel like I have a good idea of where it came from.

Ellie missed two days of school because she had her ambulatory EEG. I’m a “new middle school parent”, so there’s definitely a lot of changes I’m seeing from elementary. While Ellie was absent, she had to complete her classwork on the computer for that day and any homework from that day that she could access had to be submitted by the next day, even if she still wasn’t at school. Frankly, I was overly confused and still am. However, when I picked her up from school yesterday, Ellie told me that her two of her teachers told her she would take the Friday test the following Monday since she was absent.

I got a notification on PowerSchool and went on to see what it was. Ellie’s math grade was updated and she had to take the test today, even though she missed two days. This baffled me. Ellie also had a zero from the classwork for the day she wasn’t there, but I know she had done it because I was sitting right next to her. I had asked her about it the day before when it still said it was “missing” and she said that she put it out when her teacher was coming around to check it. I figured maybe there’s just a delay.

After I saw that grade come up, I emailed Ellie’s teacher. I’m well aware that middle school teachers want kids being more independent and I’m not supposed to get an involved, but I needed to. I emailed her teacher and asked about Ellie having to take the test and the missing homework assignment. I wasn’t upset at this point, just more annoyed and confused.

Ellie’s teacher emailed me back within ten minutes. He apologized and said he had completely forgotten that Ellie wasn’t supposed to take it yet, said she could take it Monday, and asked that Ellie show him that completed classwork again on Monday. In my mind, this should have been the end of that issue. It got solved right away, no big deal, move on with my life. However, it wasn’t the end.

I found myself so incredibly upset that this happened. I was crying after reading the email and then crying on my way to pick Ellie up from school. My main goal was to get all the crying out before Ellie got in the car so she wouldn’t notice or ask. I’m not going to tell her I’m upset over something so small that was fixed, but I was just so mad that this happened to Ellie. I just couldn’t let it go. I know that the huge feelings that I was feeling did not fit the situation.

I’m pretty sure it’s because I just don’t want your siblings to have to deal with anything else in life. I don’t want them dealing with little mistakes from other people, I don’t want them to feel like they can’t speak up, I just don’t want another obstacle in their way. Clearly, this is irrational, I know that. It’s just that so much has happened to your siblings since they lost you. Even before losing you, all four of you had to deal with all the “extra” things going on. I want them to just have a little bit of time where it’s smooth sailing.

I felt the emotions as soon as they came up. I clocked them right away and thought to myself, “well this is not something I knew I was battling with”.

Obviously I know I can’t keep your siblings safe and sheltered. If I could, their lives would be vastly different from where they are now. I just want to give them a break.

It’s amazing the things that come up out of nowhere and surprise you. I’ve got a lot going on, but I’m addressing it.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.