My baby boy,

We made our last trip to Kennywood for the season. I’m so happy we ended up getting the season passes, I think we went at least fifteen times.

While we were standing in line for the one roller coaster, I caught Ellie staring at my necklace with your ashes in it. I wondered what she was thinking about while she was staring at it. Was she thinking, “there’s my brother”, or “I miss Isaiah and wish he was here”, or was she just staring at it? I didn’t want to ask her, I figured I would let her have whatever moment she was having.

Back around Christmas of 2023 you guys somehow talked me into buying a lip smacker Christmas variety pack of chapstick. There were a bunch of them in there, so you each wanted one of your own. You took the Blueberry Blitzen one. After we lost you, for whatever reason that was something I didn’t want to lose track of. I don’t think you ever even used it, so it’s kind of odd that I wanted it. I started using it and at this point, I think it’s almost gone. Now I have to stop using it so I can hold onto this tube of chapstick for the rest of my life.

I managed to put about a month of posts on the Isaiah’s Light Facebook page. Slowly, but surely I will get it done. I was looking at pictures and saw the pictures from when we visited Pennsylvania right before we moved to Hawaii. We were over Beenie’s house and I completely forgot that you actually got to go in their pool. I remember going over there and seeing Beenie and meeting baby Gabby, but I didn’t realize you guys went in the pool that day. Knowing you got to swim in there gave me an odd feeling of comfort and happiness. You got to be at one of your siblings favorite places with some of our favorite people. It’s like another little connection with you.

Lucas congratulated me the other day because he hadn’t seen me cry over you that day. He said it was the first day I’d gone without crying, but he just didn’t see it because I did it while he was at school. I laughed at his congratulations, but told him I didn’t deserve it since I actually had cried.

I’m sure one day eventually down the road there will be a day without tears. Maybe it’s ten or twenty years from now, but I am sure it’ll come. Hopefully I will be so caught up with doing things to further your name and legacy that I just spread so much good that day that I can’t help but smile. The crappy part is, when I realize I went the day without crying, it’ll break me. I will probably wonder if I don’t care as much. Does that make me a bad mom? How could I go a day without crying?

It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe years down the road. No matter what, it’s a lose/lose situation. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.