My Isaiah Joseph,

I kind of just existed today.

It’s really starting to feel like actual fall here, you’d love that. It’s probably still too warm for most people here to claim it feels like fall, but I wish it could just stay where it’s at.

I find myself walking behind your siblings a lot and just staring at the three of them. I kind of just count the three of them in my head and tell myself “this is what you have now” over and over again.

I took a look at the vision board I made at the beginning of the year when we were still in Hawaii. I made it at one of our grief events and I was feeling very positive about the next steps and the thoughts of what I could do. I looked at it and thought that not one of those things has really come to fruition. Maybe some of them have, but I just can’t see it where I’m at right now.

I’m just a mom, trying to survive the loss of her son, the breakup of her family and planned future, and do the best for my remaining three kids. I’m coming up short, but it’s the best I have right now.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.