My baby boy,

I started processing things today in therapy, but started with the earliest of memories in dealing with issues that I have. These memories were just simple things that happened to me in early childhood that ended up shaping the way I felt about myself and talked to myself. It sucked, but the after made me think ahead to the processing the day of losing you and how hard that’s going to be. I don’t want to watch the entire thing happen like it’s a movie, that’s just going to wreck me even more.

Elijah and I played Sum Swamp today. We haven’t played it since we moved, it was still in the moving box in the garage. Elijah was excited and I got an extra little bit of happiness when I opened it up to see that there’s sand randomly throughout the box. Our lives the entire time we were in Hawaii were covered in sand, but that sand made me smile. I beat Elijah four times and he finally beat me on the fifth game. Once he finally won, he was able to stop playing the game and move onto something else.

I was thinking about you while we played the game. You loved that game, you guys all did. It’s such a simple game, but it’s been a staple in our house since I bought it in Missouri. I was just picturing you sitting there and playing with us. We were in our living room in Hawaii, sitting on the wood floor, by the tv stand/fireplace. Knowing me, I would have had the heater on and been sitting right in front of it. You should know that it’s been cold enough the last few mornings that I’ve woken up and used my hair dryer as a heater. I don’t know if other people do that, but you guys probably would grow up thinking that’s completely normal considering I have done it all the time.

While we were playing and I was thinking about you, I looked over on the shelf and saw Bananagrams. That little yellow pouch made me tear up a little bit more. I don’t think there’s any game you loved more than Bananagrams. You actually would sit there and just play yourself. I have so many pictures on my phone that you took of the words that you made. We played at home and we even played it while we were sitting at Ellie’s gymnastics for two hours. You and Ellie were always getting “stuck” on one word that you were trying to make though and kept flipping over and looking for one specific letter. You got a little better at pivoting and making changes, but Ellie would not stray from the word she had in her mind. What I wouldn’t give to play one more game with you.

Elijah’s first soccer game is tomorrow. He reminded me of you at practice the other day because he was very aggressive and excelled at defense. I hope you get a chance to see him tomorrow and his skills. He always talks about wanting to make you proud when he plays.

Baby, I know I’m “making it through this”, but it feels like a lost cause. Sometimes it feels like I’m barely holding on. It’s just a crippling feeling knowing that this will never “get better”. There’s no end in sight for this grief and missing you until my own time is up.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.