My baby boy,

Today was emotionally draining. Elijah and I watched the finale of Lego Masters Jr. I couldn’t help but wonder how many times you would have asked how you could get onto the show. I wondered who your favorite team would be. Would it be the brothers, like Elijah? Would you like the team that was neighbors and best-friends? I feel like you actually would have liked the team that did taekwondo. One of the boys of that team actually reminded me of you.

I was already crying when I got a phone call from the hospital about Ellie’s EEG. There was no seizure, but it was abnormal. With this, her current treatment plan stays the same and we go back in about two months.

I don’t know what I was expecting from that test, but it caught me off guard in the moment. I was already upset over you and then I’m delivered with more news. Maybe because it’s all so connected. We don’t know what happened to you, we didn’t find out Ellie had epilepsy until we lost you, I frankly don’t know what the abnormal EEG means, it’s all connected.

After I brought Elijah to school I came home to clean. I put on your playlist, cried, screamed, slammed things off the kitchen counter, and cleaned.

I know I’m being the best mom I can for your siblings, but I feel like I’m coming up short. I feel like I need to try harder, but I have nothing else to give.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.