My baby,

I’m pretty sure I fell asleep while writing your letter to you last night. I’m starting this one before I put the boys to bed because that’s what’s been causing things to get pushed back later and later.

I don’t think I told you about it, but Elijah played in his first soccer game yesterday. While he was getting ready, I was putting on his socks and made sure to point out that they were once your soccer socks. I told him that you’d be with him his entire game.

He went out and volunteered to play goalie first. I wasn’t sure how that would go, considering he’s never played, but he did awesome. He was charging and diving on the ball and he was having so much fun. Once he was done playing goalie, he played defense. He enjoyed that and was all over the field.

At the end of the game, he was sitting down on the sidelines just crying. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but I saw his coach talking to him. His team was losing terribly, but I didn’t think that would be a thing he’d be upset about.

Apparently everyone thought that’s why he was crying because as soon as he came over at the end of the game and I asked him what was going on he immediately says, “I know, I know, sometimes we lose and sometimes we win”. He wasn’t crying about that at all, he was crying about missing you. I’m sure he wondered what you would have said to him after his game, what compliments you would have given, maybe you even would have come onto the field and started kicking the ball around with him.

He was sitting on my lap and hugging me when the other team’s coach came over and told him that “it’s okay, there will be other games”. Because of my own insecurities, I wanted them to know he wasn’t upset about losing and just told him, “he’s upset because he lost his brother”. He looked extremely confused, I probably should have just said nothing. That’s one of those times where I felt uncomfortable how other people would view your brother, when he wasn’t like that.

His coach came over after and was talking to us. I let him know that Elijah wouldn’t be at next Saturday’s game because we have the sibling bereavement luau. He looked at me with a questionable look and told him that we are going for Elijah’s brother he lost. A look of realization came over his face. Elijah had told his coach on the sideline that he was crying because he “lost his brother”, but he figured that he meant that he couldn’t find you around the fields. He didn’t realize that you passed away.

That makes me wonder if I need to change my wording. If people hear that small kids “lost a sibling”, I’m sure they think someone wandered off somewhere. This is also probably me overthinking this entire situation and not needing to have a “wording plan” for any situation. I know I still don’t say the “d word” when it comes to you. Your siblings say it and I’m honestly glad they’re able to freely talk about it without the reservations I have.

Baby boy, I haven’t found my place or my purpose yet. I’m still just floating through each day and trying to do the best I can for your siblings. You being taken away has ripped apart my life and every bit of who I am. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.