Hi baby,

Hi baby,

It’s been a long day. It wasn’t a good day for me, either. Yesterday went surprisingly well for me. So well, that it caused issues. Want to know something pretty messed up? I had a decent day yesterday, so last night I was questioning myself if that makes me a bad mom. Does me having a day where I don’t completely break down mean I didn’t care about you enough? This grief is a losing game. Either I miss you so much and it just brings down my whole day, or I have a pretty good day and then I question what kind of mom I am. It’s ridiculous. Even when I look at the entire situation and I can confidently say I’ve been doing so much “work” on myself, I question it. I’m in therapy, I’ve done three different grief groups, read books, write these letters to you every night, just got back from a retreat..I mean come on. Maybe it’s not even the grief, I feel like that’s just part of being a mom.

I had to do something today that I’ve been thinking about since the day you passed. Your pediatrician obviously knows what happened considering he’s been such an amazing help through everything. Before he left the hospital the one day, I asked him to make sure your future appointments were taken off so I wouldn’t get any reminders. At that time I thought, “I need to call the dentist and tell them”, but I never did it. Well a few days ago I got a reminder from the dentist saying all four of you have an appointment this coming Tuesday. I had to cancel yours. I called them this morning and started crying when I told them. Little random things just come up that hurt so much.

People always looked at me like I was insane for scheduling all four of you at the same time for appointments. Logistically, it made the most sense. Why not just get it all over with at once, rather than make several trips? If I’m being honest, it was never hard. Chaotic? Definitely. So I will get to sit in the loss of you again on Tuesday at the dentist. I’ll sit and look at the Ninja Turtles arcade game and picture you playing it because you enjoyed it so much. I will miss hearing you complain that I’m making you brush your teeth right before we go to the dentist. I miss everything.

Ellie went and got her echocardiogram today. It was definitely more in-depth than the one she got before. We were back at Kapi’olani, same building you were in. When we walked back to the room, I saw the exact chair and spot I sat where I waited for you to get your MRI that first night. I just sat there alone and waited. I was crying during half of Ellie’s echo. I started to sit there and wonder if the techs who took your MRI knew what a horrible place we were in at that point. I understand they’re not allowed to read them, but I would think they have a pretty decent understanding of what they’re looking at. Did they bring you back out to me that night knowing that there wasn’t much hope at all? Your MRI was really bad from the very beginning, so from a medical point of view it seems obvious. I explained the MRI to Teenie, Aunt Sarah, and Aunt Nae Nae and in their best “I’m so sorry” ways they solidified everything the doctors said. I feel bad they had to do that. I was just asking anyone and everyone who could to help me understand. I wonder if you knew it was going to be hard for me though and that’s why looney tunes was playing in the room when Ellie got her echo. It’s a random show to be playing on tv in the middle of the day. You loved the coyote.

I’m struggling at night with waking up and thinking of you. I can’t not think of you. However, each time I start with a certain memory and then I’m right back on the beach reliving everything. I make my mind stop each time, but it goes right back. I had nearly nine years with you on Earth, but for whatever reason the only memory my mind wants to replay is the worst one. My therapist moved and I haven’t had an appointment in a few weeks. I have one next week, I need to address that.

We had Kids Hurt Too tonight. As always, it was good for my soul. The kids had a great time too and they’re actually playing with the other kids. I told them how thankful I’ve been for them through all this too.

I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.