My Isaiah Joseph,

I took Elijah to the library again this morning and saw one of your favorite books from when you were younger, The Truck Stop. I am pretty sure we got that book from the Imagination Library and we read that book even as pages got ripped and torn. I checked the book out and let Elijah know how much you loved that book.

I went into your room tonight, laid in your bed, and read the book out loud. Your brothers were in there building Legos at the time and Lucas put a picture of you on my chest and said, “here, now it’s like Isaiah is really here listening”. The key part of that book that I remembered was the road that “went north and south”. As I was reading it, I could just picture two and three year old you having me read it over and over again. Those were the years you were obsessed with transportation of any kind. I’m not sure if you heard me reading it, but I was hoping you were there over my shoulder, enjoying the book.

There were songs that came on at the event yesterday that Aunt Cait and I were laughing about because they were just so depressing. Before the ceremony, they were playing a Sarah McLaughlin song and we both were reminded of an ASPCA commercial with sad animals looking into your soul as they stared into the camera. That same song was also used after a school shooting in Columbine. Aunt Cait made a comment that we needed a different memory to go with the song. At that moment, Elijah announced that the song was from Angry Birds 2 when Red is upset and stuffing his face with popcorn.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole came on and that made all of us smile, except for Lucas. Since losing you, Lucas doesn’t want to listen to that song because it makes him sad. When it came on yesterday, he put both fingers in his ears and sat there the entire time like that. The song brought me a sense of peace and like it was connecting our time in Hawaii back to our time in Pittsburgh.

It’s time to go to bed now and I honestly don’t like sleeping anymore. I wake up five or so times a night and don’t always fall back asleep right away. My dreams are filled with ones where you’re missing or I’m attempting to deal with the other things in life that were happening before we lost you. No matter what time I go to bed, I wake up exhausted. I just feel like this is how it is now. I don’t think I’ve slept well for two and a half years.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Please know that you mean the world to me and always will. Goodnight and sweet dreams.