My Isaiah Joseph,

I started getting the Christmas decorations out today. Just like you, Elijah was excited and eager to help me. I pulled out five random bins, put a few things up, brought complete chaos to the house, and it looks like I made more of a mess than progress.

In one of the bins I got out, the singing snowman and dog were in there. Somehow the batteries in it were still working and when I turned it on all I thought of was you. As soon as both your brothers heard the decoration, they got excited and Elijah said, “oh, this brings back good memories”.

I got that decoration from my boyfriend who I dated my first years of college. He knew how much I loved Christmas, so I usually got some Christmas decorations for my birthday from him. It’s so funny to see all these decorations that I’ve had from before having kids and how they’ve become a staple to your holidays during your childhood.

I put the ceramic tree up next to yours and Apollo’s urns. I had put it there last year, it’s kind of like your special little tree now. We move so much that decorations already get moved around a lot, but this move came without some of our usual furniture and threw off my usual spots.

I’m just sad tonight, baby. I’m just missing you. I’m missing every little thing about you. I came across a bin of clothes down in the garage and I wanted to go through them to see if there were any winter clothes for Lucas. In the bin were the last clothes that were hanging in your closet. As I looked through them, I noticed some of them look like they would fit him now. Some are still big, of course, but some would fit him. That was too much for me so I just walked away from the bin and it’s just sitting half open in the garage.

On June 18th, Lucas will have been alive longer and able to talk to me more days than you were able to. That’s rough.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.