My Isaiah Joseph,

Today was difficult, but nothing happened. I just woke up with no energy and then felt like our lack of plans was a “bad mom day”. We played some board games and watched The Grinch together, but that feels like it’s about it.

Ellie has been bugging me for the Grinch Meal that she saw online from McDonald’s. She told your brothers and they’ve all been bothering me about them. Like always, I kept saying “no”, but today Ellie offered to help the boys clean their room. When that got offered out, I agreed. Thanks to Ellie, the boys’ room is cleaner than it would ever be with just them cleaning. They just caught me at a good time because I didn’t have much fight in me. While they were in there cleaning the room, they played “Funky Beat” on repeat to clean it. I haven’t heard that played for cleaning in probably about two years.

I met a mom at the event yesterday who had a similar story to me. Like you, her daughter passed suddenly and unexpectedly. When it happened, that was it, just like you. Also like her, she was going through the same life events that I was going through right before it happened. We both spoke the same thing into the universe before losing both of you, “things can’t get any worse”. She made a comment about how we never should have spoken those words, but I don’t believe that’s what caused me to lose you. With what happened, I do question myself for ever speaking and thinking that way. A tragedy such as losing your perfectly “healthy” son to a health problem was never on the radar. I just can’t believe I thought I had hit rock bottom before losing you. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much worse things could actually get.

I’m worried that the seasonal depression is going to hit me hard here. Last year was filled with salt air and sun, so I didn’t have to battle this extra thing. Right now I will blame the lower point on the upcoming holidays, but I don’t know what will happen in January.

I love you more than anything in the world, my baby boy. Please continue to watch over us. Please visit one of your siblings in their dreams, please do whatever you possibly can. Goodnight and sweet dreams.