My sweet boy,

Earlier today was a good day. We went to an event put on by the bereaved siblings group through UPMC. We got to make a gingerbread house together and it looked exactly how you’d expect ours to look, pure holiday chaos. I looked around the room and most of the families had made very neat and put together houses. I don’t understand how they even can do that, to be honest. We all just do our own thing with absolutely no plan. Lucas made a smiley face on the house, Ellie put a snowman on the roof, Elijah spent a long time decorating the gingerbread man, and I used my finger to just spread the thick icing on to try and get things to stick. Lucas also spent a lot of time eating the icing and random candies. He ate no pizza that they provided for lunch, put kept squeezing icing into his mouth.

They gave us a little decorated candle with your name on it to put at our table and hung up a gingerbread house with your name on it on the Remembrance Wall. For whatever reason, I was trying to look at your gingerbread house to see if there was a sign from you or an “oh yeah, of course that’s Isaiah”, but I don’t know why. There wasn’t anything that stood out, so I don’t know.

When it was finished, we had a chance to go ice skating, but we didn’t go. I know I’m capable of a lot, but I do not think I can take three kids ice skating for the first time by myself. Your siblings were bummed, but I told them that maybe we can try when daddy comes to visit in a few weeks.

I found myself very bothered by something on the way to the Christmas event. I was listening to music and “I’m Just Ken” came on and I started to think about Elijah doing his “concerts” to the song every night. I then had trouble placing that event in time and couldn’t figure out if you were here or not during that time. Then I found myself worried that I couldn’t remember if you ever even saw the Barbie movie. I was planning on googling when it came out as soon as we got to the event, but I asked your siblings if you saw it and Ellie reminded me that you loved that movie. Am I forgetting things about you? This is the first time something came to my mind and I couldn’t sort it out. If I’m forgetting things, I that does that mean? What else have I possibly forgotten about you? They may be small and seemingly pointless things, but now there is nothing pointless for me to know about you. In fact, those pointless things are all I have.

Once we got home and everything settled down, the night started to get worse. Your siblings were playing video games, they were doing their own thing, so I’m kind of left to sit there in my own stuff. I listened to Soy Yo before writing this and that did me in.

Lucas is just five months away from the age you made it to. Elijah is only five months away from the age Lucas was when we lost you. How has life continued on like this?

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.