My Isaiah Joseph,

Five years ago today this picture was taken when I put you to bed. I was laying with you on your ton bunk in Missouri while you went to sleep. Before you fell asleep, you put your hand on me and said something along the lines of leaving your hand there so you’d be sure I “didn’t die”. I’m glad I took a picture of that night. I’m also happy that you said something so ridiculous that I would still remember it so fondly five years later.

The holidays are starting to really stress me out. I’m trying to buy gifts without your siblings seeing or noticing, I have to do all the elf stuff, things need wrapped, yet everyone is always home, I just don’t know how to get it all done and I’m throwing up the white flag.

I’m missing you so much, each and every day. It’s weird how the grief has changed and evolved, yet I miss you like this all happened yesterday. Missing you will never change or get better, I know that, I just want something to happen to the hole that your absence has left. However, I know that’ll never change either.

You’d be so excited for Christmas. I hope you’re celebrating where you are and that you come by and celebrate with us. Both yours and Apollo’s stockings are both hanging up, there will be some treats in these, too.

I love you more than anything in the world, my baby boy. Your life wasn’t supposed to turn out like this, my job as your mom on this Earth wasn’t over yet. Goodnight and sweet dreams.