My Isaiah Joseph,
Hi, my sweet boy. Today was okay, just this morning was a little emotionally draining. I had therapy this morning and didn’t even know what to say. I have a million different things running through my head at all times and I’m trying to decipher what they could mean.
I told her today that I’m not happy. Given all that has gone on in my life, I don’t think I need to be happy. However, there was a happiness that went along with the gratitude that I had in Hawaii. While we were still in Hawaii, I would tell myself “look at what a great job you’re doing after this entire crap show, I’m proud of you”. I had a sense of what making it through every single day meant. Each therapy appointment with your siblings or hurdle they jumped in life gave me room to take a deep breath. With each thing, I was able to see the steps we are taking to heal from everything. It was a glimmer of hope that maybe we will all make it out of this alive. At one point, I couldn’t see how I was going to.
That is all gone now that we are in Pittsburgh. Maybe it’s the huge move forward with our family that it’s just going to take some time to settle in and adapt. I told her how I haven’t reached out really at all to my friends. I don’t want to just talk about my losses and how I’m barely hanging in there as each day passes. Honestly, I don’t want to be talking about myself the whole time, but part of me thinks they’d be apprehensive about freely just talking with me like “normal”. My therapist told me that I’m putting myself out on this island to be lonely. I’m separating myself from my friends and not even letting them know what I need. I get it now, I do. It’s just difficult.
That was the one thing I loved about Kids Hurt Too, we were able to have mundane conversations about the most basic things going on in our lives and even got to hear about things that just made us laugh. It was a judgement free space where I knew I could say anything and not have to second guess whether I was making someone uncomfortable. I could also talk normally and not wonder if the people around me are trying to figure out when I’m going to emotionally lose it.
I wish we didn’t have to live this life without you. We went to the trampoline park today to meet one of Ellie’s friends. It’s the same trampoline park that we went to right before we moved to Hawaii. It was there that I attempted to battle you in a rock wall climbing contest and I was absolutely pathetic. It was then that I told myself I really need to start working on strengthening my muscles. Just to clear the air, I’m still just as weak as then if not even weaker. I battled you on the gladiator thing and watched you try and tackle that impossible ladder thing. I love you, baby, but as strong as you were, you weren’t always the most coordinated. It was extremely crowded though, but I still pictured you running around there today with reckless abandon.
I love you so much, sweetie. Please watch over us and come and visit. Goodnight and sweet dreams.