Hi baby,

Hi baby,

Today was the first time I went to the dentist with only one child. Even when only one of you had to go, all four of you came with me. I didn’t even go back because it was Ellie and I wasn’t sitting with her. She saved you a special seat next to her at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle game.

I know I’ve told you before, but I feel the need to keep mentioning it because nothing has changed. Your siblings all have slept horribly since we lost you. On rare occasions, one of the boys will sleep through the night. However, Ellie and at least one of your brothers is up two or more times a night. Elijah came in at 3am this morning to complain that morning is taking too long to come. I never know how to address that. As many times as I apologize that it’s only 3am, it’s too early to get up, morning is not taking any longer to come than usual, they’re never satisfied. You did the same thing, so you get where they’re coming from. My dreams last night were me being frustrated everyone kept waking me up. It’s ridiculous.

I miss you. You were my protector and no matter what, I knew you would be there for me. You were always trying to cheer me up when I was upset, make me laugh, or help me out. I know you gave me a hard time sometimes, but that was out of love too. You were always the perfect angel at school, in sports, and when you were with your friends. I got that “extra” little side of you.

We got invited to a Memorial Tree Lighting for you. We are supposed to bring a special ornament in memory of you. I told your siblings about it and I think we are going to go. I’m going to get “caught up” in making sure your ornament is good enough. I want to make sure it’s personalized enough in it shows the things you loved, but also has pictures on it. I want to have one with pictures, but also have some special touches on it that we did. I already know how it’s going to work out. I’m going to fixate on how it needs to be perfect and not actually get any ornament. Then, I will feel worse about myself as your mom and go get a random one at Target the day of the tree lighting. I will obsess about it until then and tell myself I’m the worst mom ever for the next month. At least I know the exact path I will take, right? I know my weaknesses and should do something to change it, but at least therapy has made me self-aware.

I want you to know that I love you so much, my baby. I’m not sure how I got to this point in my life, but thank you for every second you added to it. Goodnight and sweet dreams.