Hi sweetie,

Hi sweetie,

Another day of rain. I looked at the forecast and it’s not supposed to rain for the next week. I’m not going to hold my breath though, because I swear it’s been raining for weeks.

We had Kids Hurt Too tonight. I told Lucas he looked like you when he was done because he was so sweaty and his hair was everywhere. I’m not sure what they were doing in there, but he definitely went all out.

There was a new facilitator there for the adults tonight so things went a little different than usual. I did ask a question about “getting rid of things” and the example I brought up was the bag of trash hanging on your doorknob. Obviously it’s mostly paper, last year’s Halloween candy, and broken plastic Easter eggs, but I can’t part with it. I said I didn’t want to be a hoarder and I can’t possibly move with this bag of trash. To my surprise, everyone there looked at me and said “yes you can”. I know this sounds crazy, but that was a huge relief. For whatever reason, it’s like I needed permission from people to do that. In the regular world, holding onto a bag of things I planned to throw away and maybe moving across an ocean and a country with it is crazy. It’s just crazy, that’s all there is to it. I thought me even thinking about doing that was ridiculous and I had to get rid of the bag when I wasn’t ready to. These people let me know that it’s not crazy and I can let go of it when I want to get rid of it. I don’t have to base it off what other people may do or think of what I’m doing. I’m almost thirty-nine, but hearing them say that opened my eyes and lifted a weight off my shoulders. I don’t need to “go through your stuff” and decide what to do with anything. Everything is welcome. That’s awesome.

I cried at the dentist today. Luckily, the actual dentist already knew why I was crying so I didn’t look like a random lady crying while her sons got their teeth cleaned. It wasn’t as bad when I took Ellie because not only was she the first of the group to go, but you weren’t the only one not there. However, today’s appointment finished up the kids. Your absence was noticed right away when Elijah went back himself because I stayed with Lucas in the lobby. I could always go back right away with Elijah because you or Ellie was there to sit with Lucas until he went. The boys got a dinosaur at the end of their appointment and put it down the stairs like you always did after every appointment. A little thing that still has you here with us.

I think today’s appointment hurt so much because I can now check another thing off the list as a first without you. You guys have always been on the same schedule with the dentist your entire lives. It’s like a slap in the face of “hey, Isaiah is gone”. It may not make any sense to you, but it’s just another part proving life is going on without you here.

I signed your siblings up for Surf for the Soul in like two weeks. It’s right up at Haleiwa so it’s nice and close. I told them all that they don’t have to actually participate, but I want to go and watch. I’m secretly hoping that going to watch actually gets one of them interested in trying. Professional surfers come and teach them how to surf. How awesome is that?! Maybe someone will go out in the ocean, maybe not. It’s such an awesome opportunity and experience that I have to try and “nudge” them towards it. The eye roll I got from Ellie when I told her I signed them up was a little extreme, but she seemed interested when I told her she was just going to watch.

I love you so much my amazing, smart, creative, imaginative, kind, funny, handsome, and curious second born. Goodnight and sweet dreams.