My baby boy,

It was a day. Every time I think that’s it the universe is done bringing things to me, another thing comes. I did actually just get to sit after dropping Elijah off at school, though. I also had enough stars from Starbucks to get a free coffee, thanks to Ellie always getting gift cards. I got a holiday drink and it helped the “cozy” feeling.

I went ahead and bought the ticket, so I will be going to the thing with Aunt Robbie tomorrow. I don’t honestly know what to expect or what it even technically is, but I need to broaden my horizons. Plus, Aunt Robbie is the one getting me to have more faith looking for signs, so at least it’ll be an enjoyable night. I’m going to go into your room tomorrow and give you any details that I think are necessary.

At Aldi today, they had little nutcrackers that you could paint and decorate. We got four and chose the nutcracker holding the present for you. We are going to probably paint them on Friday night. I will be sure to try and paint Legos and pizza on the nutcracker, but I can’t promise it’ll look good. This way, I can line all four of them up each year and always put your nutcracker second.

I was talking about “milestones” today and how they will just continue on forever with you. I’m constantly measuring time by something you would be doing at this time or where your brothers are in comparison to you. Lucas is five months away from the age you were when we lost you, but you seemed so much “older” than he is now. Elijah is five months away from being the same age Lucas was when we lost you. I’ve already begun to think of when Elijah hits the point where he’s lived the same amount of his life without you as he did with you.

Christmas is only fifteen days away and I’m in no way prepared. I didn’t get all the decorations put up, but I did try and get our house added to the list of houses Peters puts out to drive and see. Our house isn’t anything spectacular, but I had to at least go ahead and try for you.

I miss you, baby. Your brothers are currently in my room trying to get a stink bug off the high ceilings for me. Elijah is throwing a magnetic bookmark at it, while Lucas attempts to point the hair dryer at it from like four feet below. As an update, Lucas just managed to knock it down with a towel and now both your brothers are handling it for me. I know you would have been in here helping. There’s no way I could have lifted you up at this point, I could barely do it before we lost you. I’m sure you would have asked your brothers to stop randomly throwing things at it so you could build some sort of contraption to get it down.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. This life was way too short for you. I wish it would have been me instead. Goodnight and sweet dreams.