Baby boy,
I don’t really feel like I need to tell you how today went..absolutely depressing. We went to the store to print off pictures for your Celebration of Life on Saturday and to update the picture frames that hadn’t been updated since Elijah was an infant? I always keep the old pictures that were in the frames and just keep putting them behind the new ones I put in. Even though I was replacing the pictures with more up to date pictures, it was making me cry. Just seeing how little you were, how unaware of the future that we would have with you, and knowing that there won’t be any new pictures with you in it. If I replace any of these pictures in the frames at any point for the rest of my life, there will only be three kids in them. How am I supposed to eventually just cover up a photograph of you to put in another without you? I don’t want to make any new memories without you. I’ve thought about different things we can do this summer, finally try and get the projector up and actually working, picnics, anything to really keep your siblings occupied with everything that has happened. However, I don’t want to do those experiences. I don’t want to have fun and make memories that you aren’t part of. It’s all six of us, not five. Even thinking about the Fourth of July makes me upset. I bought some paper plates, glow sticks, and tattoos for the fourth, but then wanted to just put them back on the shelves. Daddy and I have talked and we don’t actually know how the hell we will ever make it through this.
The way you came into this world is exactly the way you lived your life. I thought I had time, but I didn’t. I started having contractions so I showered, did my hair and makeup, and then finally got around to packing the hospital bag. Well the contractions got unbearable quite quickly and we got to the hospital about three and a half hours after the contractions started. I found out I was ten centimeters and there was no time for the epidural. Within thirty minutes of getting to the hospital, we welcomed you into the world. You were fearless from the beginning. You were literally running at nine months and never stopped. I remember I had you at a park in Clarksville and the part of the play area you were on was higher than most. Another mom made a comment to me about how brave I was as I was standing on the ground looking up at you running around. I trusted you and you had so much fun. Once we moved to Hawaii you did so much exploring and literally climbing of mountains. You were always non-stop and all our families hated when I took them up Kolekole and let you scale the side of the mountain. I feel a little better knowing you got to actually live and do things like that.
Just like I thought I had more time before you entered the earth and wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready for you to leave this earth. Again, I thought I had so much time. They always say “live like tomorrow will never come”, but I never actually thought that. I would try and remind myself sometimes to just enjoy the little things, but often got caught up in every day life. Even at that, I thought that my time would be the one that would be limited. I would be the one that died first, not you. A child is never supposed to go before their parents. An eight year old who is seemingly healthy isn’t supposed to just pass away one day without a warning. Just like you came into the world you also left it, super fast and unexpected.
Lucas got upset with me today because Miss Brittany brought over her dragonfruit plants for us to take care of. The plant is a cactus and definitely looks like one. He touched it. How dare I not tell him it was a “prickly plant”. It reminded me of the time you got stung by a bee in our backyard. How did you get stung by the bee? Well you got stung because you tried to pet the bee. As a parent I felt so bad for you at the time, but now looking back I can smile at it. In all honesty, who tries to pet a bee?
Lucas also woke up this morning and asked randomly if we had a dream about you. Daddy asked me this morning, too. No such luck though, you haven’t come in anyones’ dreams yet. I talked to you everywhere today and I also overheard daddy talking to you in your room. We miss you so much. I know we keep telling you that, but I really want to make sure you’re hearing us. I really want you to know how much we love you. Ellie has a message for you, “Hi Isaiah. It’s your annoying sister. I just want to check on you. I hope you’re having fun up there and make sure you’re having a good time. I just really miss you and want you home. It’s not a complete family without you here. Make sure you have a good nights sleep and I love you so much. And please visit us and whatever places we go. Love, Ellie..goodnight.” One more message from Lucas, “I love you very very very much.”
We love you, we miss you, we are lost without you.