You were in my dream last night. Not how I was wishing or had hoped…

You were in my dream last night. Not how I was wishing or had hoped, but you were there. We were back at the beach that day, except when you were acting odd and I thought you were mad at me, I went up to you. I held you in my arms and just told you over and over again how much I loved you. It played out the same and we still lost you, but I must have told you a hundred times “I love you” as you were in my arms. You didn’t fall into the ocean since I was holding you, but we still lost you. At one point later on in the dream, we were all in a room together. You had already passed, but your body was lying in a bed they brought in and you had a newsboy cap on (no idea why). I refused to look at you. During that entire part of the dream I didn’t directly look at your face once. I remember there were people here in Hawaii messaging me asking how you were doing and I was upset because you were already gone..they should know that? At one point Miss Whitney and Mr. Jordan were there at the “commissary” and I gave them popcorn to buy so I didn’t have to stand in the long line? You know, some random things in dreams that don’t seem to make any sense at all.

Obviously I have to go in and completely dissect the dream even though it’s literally impossible. When trying to make meaning of a lot of it, I found more comfort in it. It’s like I couldn’t stop what was going to happen. It didn’t matter if we were at the beach because whatever took you down did so instantly. I’ve been worried you felt alone, but in my dream I was able to hold you and tell you how much I love you before and while everything happened. The part where I refused to look at your face? I’m not sure, but in reality I had to call Miss Madison last night and ask her for a favor. The funeral home had called yesterday and said you were in their care and you would be cremated on Friday. We could bring you back home on Monday. In the meeting we had with them last week, the woman asked if we wanted a picture of your face. I immediately said “no”. I’m not a medical person at all, but I don’t know how different you’d look after having passed away almost two weeks prior. Daddy thought he wanted the picture at the time though, so he told her to send us one. I had to call Miss Madison last night and ask her if she would look at the picture before us and essentially tell us if it resembled you and the boy we loved so much or if it would be too painful to see and we wouldn’t like to remember you like that. I told her she didn’t have to, because frankly that’s a lot to ask of someone, but she said she would do it. Maybe that’s why in my dream I refused to look at your face? Dreams never seem to make sense, but I would like to think that there’s so much big meaning behind them.

I had an appointment with a trauma therapist today and started a book on grieving after the loss of a child. Two things I never planned for my future. Both the therapist and the book helped me realize that what I’m currently feeling is normal for such a loss. I’m confused, depressed, withdrawn, angry, anxious, living with regret, and at times I frankly don’t even know how to explain how I feel. I’m confused about who I am now? I’ve been the mom with four kids, Isaiah’s mom, the person who always got asked “are they all yours?”. What does our future look like without you here? How do we go on? I’m depressed about losing you. You were my Isaiah. You were my completely crazy child who was so smart, secretly sensitive, so lovable, and was so caring. How are you just gone? How am I supposed to go on never seeing you, getting a hug, or watching you stomp away because you’re mad at me? I’m withdrawn because I don’t know what else to do. How do I enjoy my days when we lost you? How do I try and make new memories when I don’t even want to get up in the morning? I’m angry. You were eight years old, you had the world in front of you, and it was taken away from you in an instant. Why couldn’t it have been me? What did we miss that could have possibly warned us about this? I’m anxious. I was already anxious before all this, but now the pure unknown and absolute annihilation of what I thought the future held is just exhausting. I’m living with regret. Why did I decide to go to the beach that morning? What if I would have waited till later? Did I tell you I loved you enough? Then there’s the confusion of what I’m feeling. There’s also the odd feeling of not being afraid of dying any more. I was always worried about it and leaving everyone. Now there’s the small comfort of knowing when I do, I will be with you. No, I have no plans to join you, but it’s just part of the crazy thoughts that have come in my head after all this.

Remember a few months back when you were reading a Dog Man book and they were insulting each other with horrible insults like the “raisin licking bumblebee”? You called daddy at work to share the insults with him and he thought I made them up because of how ridiculous they were. Then you and I exchanged insults. You thought too much about yours. You wanted them to make sense, but also didn’t want to be mean. I just put a bunch of random things together like they did in the book. While you were in the hospital I got to read you a Dog Man book, Captain Underpants, and Cat Kid Comic Club. I liked Cat Kid Comic Club the best. Dog Man was just insane. I’m sorry I asked you so many questions while I read it and got confused. I swear that half the time I had no idea what was going on in that book.

You’ve always loved books. When you were younger, we always had to read four books before bedtime. Your favorites were the 100 Word Books, Giraffes Can’t Dance, The Pout Pout Fish..and any book that had any kind of transportation. Then at one point you decided we needed to say goodnight to random things before I put you in your crib. First we said goodnight to the mist coming out of the diffuser, then we said goodnight to the bunny attached to your light, then we said goodnight to your sound machine, and finally to the moon on your ceiling from the turtle star light thing in your room. Sometimes I would move the moon around and you’d love just looking for it.

You will always be part of this family and we will talk about you every single day. Tonight everyone was pretty upset so we were sharing some of the things you did that made us laugh. Elijah shared about you quoting Combat Carl and Ellie said that she would go to give you a kiss and sometimes you would just lick her. Even though you are physically gone, you will live on through our memories. You will still be celebrating with us every holiday. We will still celebrate your birthday every year by doing your favorite things. Most importantly, we will continue to carry the love that we have for you in our hearts every single day for the rest of our lives. We love you and miss you more than words could ever express. Please keep watching over us. Also, I know I told you earlier today, but again, I’m sorry we couldn’t manage to put together that small Lego car. You would have been so embarrassed, but would swoop in and put that thing together in a few minutes. I love you so much, buddy. Sweet dreams.