My baby boy,

This is the picture that showed up today in my memories. You wanted this picture so you could never forget, but I’m thankful I posted it because that’s now a memory we won’t forget. I used to think that you guys would get older, go back onto my Facebook, and just make fun of me. “Mom, why would you put that?”. Here I am though, seeing these memories now with them being one of the things I have left of you. I’m actually thankful I put it all on Facebook because it’s not just a picture, but I get a little snapshot of what went on during the event.

Just so you know, three years ago is also the day we went to your art thing in Virginia because your self-portrait got displayed. You were so talented in so many things.

I still don’t know what I’m doing. The transition is causing a lot of stress and I feel like I’m falling backwards on any progress I made. Because I am the way I am, this regression signals to me that this is it and this is how it’ll be from now on.

I took the boys to the park with the big sandbox today. You guys all loved that park. I didn’t understand why the boys never wanted to really just come to the beach with me, but they were all about going and playing in the sandbox today. They did ask if it was “fake sand” and Lucas thought you could dig all the way down to get to the creek below. It was warmer today, about sixty-one degrees when we went, so everyone was there in their pants and long sleeved shirts. Your brothers ran around the park in shorts, short sleeves, and took their crocs off. They have the Hawaii vibe, but not the Hawaii weather.

Nobody has had a dream about you lately, which of course bothers me. If it’s not me, that’s fine. However, no dreams from anyone make me start worrying about what’s next. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.