My baby boy,

Hi sweetie. I spent a few hours today at Mokuleia. I brought cards to finish, but didn’t touch them. Instead, I read my book and just stared at the beach and ocean.

On my way down to the water, I saw a beautiful hibiscus flower that had fallen off the tree overhead. I picked it up and kept it with me so I could put it into the ocean for you before I left. I left it near the spot where I found that shoe while we were snorkeling together.

I think that sitting in the sand at the beach is the one place I can feel “at peace”. It’s also the place where it’s easiest for me to practice gratitude and reflect. Today I sat there and took in the aqua water and all its beauty. The beach was empty the entire time I was there. At one point, I watched two crabs fight in the sand. It actually made me think of you and Ellie. The one crab was guarding his hole, while the other one kept moving around and trying to go in. They had a few physical altercations, but then the one retreated. However, a few minutes later that same crab was sneaking up on a smaller crab. Have no fear, the smaller crab went into his hole and was left unscathed. The crab was just looking to pick a fight today, I guess.

I have some exciting news! Remember how I’ve been feeding the chickens and roosters by our house? My main goal has been to keep them around so when they eventually have babies, they’ll bring them to me. Guess what we found today, outside of the front door? A little nest with eleven eggs in it! I have no idea if these eggs will result in baby chicks, but I’m excited. I also know that you would find just as much joy and excitement out of this as I do.

The SUDC group sent out some information about a class they offer to grieving parents. Apparently, it’s a class that helps teach different coping skills. I can’t take the class yet because you have to have been grieving over a year. That kind of confused me, but I think I understand it. At the very beginning of this, I didn’t need coping skills to handle your death, but I needed coping skills to just get through the day. Maybe you can’t take the class until after the first year because that’s having really high expectations for someone who is stuck in constant despair.

If we are being honest, I’m still not good with coping strategies for your loss. I’m just trying to navigate myself through day to day, rather than facing everything head on.

I find my mind just drifting off to wonder what you’d look like now. Surely, you would have gotten taller this past seven and a half months. Would you still wear your hair all crazy? Would Minecraft still be one of your main interests? I could only imagine the Lego sets you would have put together from both your birthday and Christmas. I know you would still be the sweet and kind hearted person that you always were.

I am not quite sure what this current phase is that I’m living in. I’ve had a lot of trauma, have worked on myself a lot, and am becoming more and more stressed about the next step and what it entails.

I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you that, “I love you”. You continue to be such an important part of my life. Goodnight and sweet dreams, sweetie.