My baby boy,

Hi, handsome. I wonder what you’d look like if you were still down here with us. Would you have still had your crazy hair because you didn’t want to cut it? Would you be quickly catching up to me in height? What would your interests be? I’m pretty sure you’d still like Minecraft, especially after the movie came out. Let’s be honest with each other, I’m pretty sure you would have loved Legos your entire life. You’d build them with your kids if you had them and then your grandkids if any came along.

These past two years have really altered the family history I thought we would have. Your loss has completely changed the trajectory of my life and I will never be comfortable with my “new normal”.

There’s days when your siblings are all laughing and playing and I am so thankful that they’re still able to do that. I can’t help but think of how you’d fit in to whatever they are doing.

I don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for the three of them. They’re what I have left to live for. Your siblings have forced me to face your loss head on. I’ve been worried so much about their futures and how they navigate your loss that I’ve forced myself to do everything I have done. If I can’t talk about you, they can’t talk about you. If I don’t look for groups and go to them, they don’t go to groups. If I don’t get out of bed every single day and do what I need to do for them, they will lose even more. They can’t possibly be faced with losing anything else after losing you and moving away from daddy.

Elijah only has two more days of Pre-K left this year. As I was picking him up today, I got there a little earlier and ran into the director. I thanked her so much for everything they’ve done for our family. Allowing Elijah to come in so late and just seamlessly adding him in has been so helpful.

I also told her I wish that the me of today could go back and talk to the me who was getting ready to leave Hawaii. I was absolutely terrified of the “what ifs” and how everyone would adapt to the move. I thought I was going to ruin their lives even more. All three of your siblings have thrived here. They’ve all transitioned into their new schools, were able to make friends, and are enjoying seeing family and friends a lot more than before. I have to remember this when I think of the “now” and I’m worried about the future and how it’s all going to play out. I’m doing the best that I can with one of the worst losses in the world.

I wish I had one more minute with you. I wish this wasn’t how the story of our lives played out. You were such a beautiful human and had so much more to give. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.