My baby boy,

I was successful today and accomplished a few things. The house is a little more organized, especially the playroom. We are thirteen days away from the movers coming and in exactly one month we will be on a plane to our new home in Pennsylvania.

The maintenance guy came to fix the few things I called in for. Before he left, as I was signing off on the ten different things he did, he looked at Elijah and Lucas and asked if they argued a lot. I laughed and told him they didn’t fight that much. I told him how most of the fighting was between Ellie and you. I’ve told you before, I can’t mention my kids without including you. You aren’t physically here, but you’ll always be my son.

He was having a hard time comprehending what I had told him. I said we “lost you” about eight months ago and he just looked at me with a questioned look. I went on to explain everything that happened, but it still just seemed like it was too much for him to process. He had grandchildren of his own and just lost him mother a year and a half ago.

He made it a point to ask if I was going to church. I told him I wasn’t and that I always thought there was something after, but now I’m doubting it. That’s when the tears really started. He asked if he could say a prayer for me, he did, and then I apologized for putting all that information on him today. I told him I can’t casually mention my kids without including you. He was very understanding and told me he was the one sent there for a reason.

After my run tonight, I went to my basketball court and did my grief meditation. Tonight it asked me to sit with whatever feeling comes and just sit in it. As I move through the emotion, see what other emotions come up.

The emotion that came through was just pure sadness. I lost you way too young. You had a bright future ahead of you. I wish I could have made sure you knew how much I loved you. I wish I didn’t have to let go of you physically. I was supposed to sit with the emotion, move through it, and thank it for teaching me what it has.

The meditation also talked about finding the beauty after the situation. The maintenance guy had said something similar. It makes no sense, while also being so easy to comprehend. There are still going to be beautiful moments to come in life, to include watching your siblings grow up and improve the world. However, it’s hard to think of life as “beautiful” without you.

The one thing this grief has taught me is how much I love you. As your mom, I have always loved you and your siblings. Sometimes I get caught up in the every day stresses and lose focus on the only thing that matters, you guys. I have been able to look back and realized I loved you with all I had. I was far from perfect, but you and your siblings have taught me what pure love looks like.

I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.