My baby boy,

We went to a birthday party today. You would have had a blast because there was a pool, slip and slide, and a bounce thing with a water slide. I’m glad we went because it was good for my heart to be at Beenie’s house, but if it was a random person we never would have gone. I’m just at a bad place right now.

It was Elijah’s pick tonight so we watched Lego Masters. Oh my gosh, the first episode combined two of your favorite shows..Lego Masters and Is it Cake? They had to pick something out of the room and remake it and not have it look like Legos. The one pair picked to make the bed, you would have thought that was crazy. At the end, the two brothers who won season two came back to see if they could find the things made of Lego. As soon as I saw them I said, “Oh my gosh, Isaiah would be so excited”.

We watched a second episode and I’m this one they built things that would take a ball from one side of their build to the other. This reminded me so much of all the things you built in the playroom with the marble track and then the nugget and books. They were pretty impressive, I’m pretty sure you would have liked the “lost meatball” one the best. They picked the final three teams for the finale and two of them are teams that I said I thought would win it after the first episode. Maybe the brothers would be your top choice, they’ve made some amazing builds. They’re also very technical, though, so I think that’s why you’d pick them.

I called Miss Whitney tonight because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t even know what to say. The confusing thing is that I know exactly why I’m upset, I lost my precious little boy, but I can’t explain any part of what I’m feeling. My therapist told me need to stop questioning what I’m feeling and just validate it. However, I don’t know if I’m questioning it too much and that’s why I can’t figure it out or if there’s just nothing to “figure out”. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how we all just continue on without you.

Maybe you could bring me some clarity? Maybe you could just visit? I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.