Isaiah Joseph,

I wish once someone passed away that they got like a single call to say, “I’m okay, I love you, I will be with you every day”. I say that would make me feel better, but it probably wouldn’t help much. It would relieve the anxiety I have worrying about you and if you knew how much I loved you. I would give me a sense of peace to hear you tell me that you’ll be with me every day, even if I can’t see or hear you.

I need to make changes because I am falling deeper and deeper into my dark hole. I have been saying I need to do different things and I need to start taking care of myself to try and get out of the survival mode that I’m in, but it seems like the hardest thing I’ve ever done aside from losing you. When I try and do small things, I’m sometimes met with extra grief that makes me wonder why I even tried.

Tonight I tried to get the garage a little more together. It’s not nearly the mess that it was before, but it still needs organized and things need to be moved around and put away. I want to get the bench and weights set up in there so I can start lifting, but that requires the garage to be cleaner.

Within five minutes, I was reminded why this task has taken so long. It was just boxes and containers filled with memories and your things. I saw your shoes that we bought specifically for daddy’s Change of Command ceremony because it was too classy of an event for crocs. Then you went on to wear those shoes to play in because they didn’t require socks and you hated tying your shoes. I found your binder from Japanese class and the various activities you did. I opened up a notebook and found a random drawing of a cat vs pickle that you made. I went through the box that held all the different pairs of shin guards that you wore during all the years playing soccer and your cleats. I even came across your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask from your last Halloween costume that you wore. I put it on my face and hoped that your face was the last one in it.

I wish we could trade places. I wish your crazy self was still here and having a positive impact on the people that you met every day. I would take your place in a heartbeat.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.