My baby boy,

Ellie has her middle school orientation tomorrow. When did that happen? How do I suddenly have a middle schooler? You’d be gearing up for fourth grade, Lucas to second, and Elijah is ready to start kindergarten.

As fast as times moves, it’s a reminder that it’s even longer that you’ve been gone. I see the boys both wearing your old clothes and I used to think you were so big when you were wearing them. It wasn’t that you were all grown up though, it was because you were the oldest boy so you looked so grown up compared to Lucas and Elijah. Elijah wore a gray Under Armor shirt the other day that I swore you wore when you were as tall as Ellie, but it’s so small. Lucas has grown out of the pajama pants that you wore until they were too small and now does the same thing. It makes me see things in a completely different way. Do I see them this way now because you’re gone? If you were still here, would I still just see you as so much bigger compared to your brothers and not even think back to the you that wore the clothes that they are wearing?

Remember how you went through your “comfy clothes” phase and only wore things that were dri-fit? Lucky for me, Lucas wore one of the shirts the other day and announced his love for it and how comfortable it was. I told him that it works out for him because he’s in the size where the only hand me downs he gets is those “comfy” clothes.

Time seems to go way too fast, but it seems even crazier since I’ve gotten back to Pittsburgh. I’ve come back to where I grew up, go to the places I always went to, am sharing memories with your siblings, and randomly seeing people I knew in high school around. I guess after moving around for a while you get used to being away and your “home” becomes wherever you are that year. Each time I hang out with Beenie and her kids, I question how her and I are both sitting there in charge of other humans. All the other friends I’ve met through the years know me as “adult Danielle”, but Beenie was there for the ribbon dances, some weird chocolate pudding thing that I brought to her house that even disgusted her dad, and just the hilarious and well behaved high schoolers that we were. Being back in Pittsburgh sometimes makes me question how old I really am, because it seems like just yesterday I was in middle school sometimes.

Lucas still listens to Christmas songs on his pick when he goes to bed. There’s usually a time or two each week where I need to skip a song because it upsets him and makes him think of you. I had to skip one tonight.

Keep an eye on your siblings, I feel like they’re all getting colds. I love you so much, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.