My baby boy,

I had therapy today. I told her about going to the event this past weekend and how I felt after hearing from the other parents who were many more years into their loss than me. I told her how I knew it wasn’t going to get any better, but hearing them say it the way they did just kind of hit hard for me.

She said that what they told me changed nothing for me. I already knew it wouldn’t “get better”. She did tell me that I need to reframe things, though, and realize that better for me will look different now. She told me I’m making it such a final thing. My “happy” and “better” idea of life that I had before I lost you is gone. My future I always pictured left this Earth with you. I don’t know when I will I’ll figure out what the new life looks like, but it’s less pressure now.

Lucas randomly started thinking of things that you used to say that made him laugh. After he talked about them, he said he was forgetting what your voice sounds like so we watched a few videos. We watched the video of you mouthing alone to the snowman and dog singing jingle bells. Elijah and Lucas were laughing so hard at you and watched it a second time. They loved the howl you did at the end and your head shake.

Lucas was smiling and laughing the whole time, but I could see the sadness in Elijah’s smile. We all miss you more than anything. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.