My baby boy,

Today was emotional, but when is it not? However, I did discover some things in therapy that I had never noticed before so I guess that part was a success.

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I could use one of your ridiculous kisses right now.

Elijah grabbed my hand as I was walking him to kindergarten this morning and my mind immediately went to you. Elijah was holding my left hand and I swear I could remember how it felt to hold your hand with my right hand that day in the commissary parking lot.

I was thinking the other day of how I need to figure out how old you were exactly when all this happened and I need to know when Lucas will hit that point. It seems twisted and depressing to need to know when he surpasses you in days lived and it is. I don’t know, it’s one of those “milestones” that I need to know the day of. I need to be prepared for how it’s going to feel when Lucas reaches older than you got to be, despite you being his older brother.

It’s like I make things harder and worse for myself, but I feel like a lot of parents in this situation would do the same thing. Suddenly, my third born surpassed the age of his older brother.

I’m not sure if you heard me talking to you today. I hope you do. I hope you hear me each and every time. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.