My baby boy,

Daddy pointed out that the video I posted yesterday was actually Lucas. Like daddy, you probably noticed right away. I don’t know why, I just saw soccer and the look on the face and automatically thought it was you. I’m sorry, I can’t promise that it won’t happen again. I did say to myself “I can’t believe Isaiah looked so young in Hawaii” and now I know why you looked young, it was your brother who’s two years younger than you.

I reached out to my Aunt Robbie yesterday because I had just finished the book she had told Aunt Cait about. I asked her for any other recommendations and she sent me one right away, called Signs. While I was listening to the book, I heard a story that reminded me of the one sign I asked for you around the second day you were in the hospital. I was driving back to the hospital and told you that if you were okay, to please send me a sign of pizza. An hour or two later, daddy randomly sent me a picture of the pizza in the hospital cafeteria to see if I wanted something to eat. I still second guess that sign, but it makes me want to believe it.

I don’t ask you for any specific signs now because I’m too afraid of not getting them. As soon as I would ask for a sign, the clock would start in my head. In my mind, it should come right away, even though I don’t think it works like that. Once an hour or two went by, if I didn’t get the sign then I would fall into a pit of despair and tell myself there was nothing after this. So instead I take the safe route, the cowardly route.

I hope you head me talking to you today while I made my bed. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.