My Isaiah,

I went to the funeral home today for the viewing for a five year old. I wasn’t completely comfortable going, but no parent should have to go through that, so I decided to go. I had never actually met his parents, I just have talked with his dad the last few months about how unfair life can be, having to sign DNRs for our children, and just trading stories of two awesome boys.

I’m a person that needs to do something, but there’s nothing to do in such a horrible situation. I went back and tried to remember the first few days and weeks after we lost you, my concerns with your siblings grieving, and things I found useful. I brought them The Invisible String and Memory Box book for the kids and a book I read for his parents. It was actually the same book that Gabby had given me, so I thought I needed to pass it on.

I filled up a folder with all kinds of pamphlets from Compassionate Friends, a book from The Caring Place, copied this month’s newsletter from the children’s grief program through Children’s, and some of the materials I found in Scarlett’s Sunshine section at the Peters Township Library. I’m all about having the resources, whether they want to look at them or not.

I also gave them a bag with a bunch of random fidgets in it. There were some of those stretchy bands, a squishy pumpkin, a kind of squishy galaxy ball, a pop-it, and some model magic clay. That model magic clay got me through a lot of sessions talking through things at the Caring Place, so I figured maybe it could help one of them. I also included several sour and sweet gummy things, because those are the kids’ favorite. Of course, each of the kids got one of the Lego sets we give out for you.

Elijah saw the bag and was asking about the surviving siblings and their ages. I told him how they were similar to our family. Elijah immediately went to his room to start to find things to give to the family. He went through his Lego set and gave each family member a different piece/character build from a Mario set. He’s just like you, worrying about other people.

Since the little boy loved superheroes, I wanted to wear a superhero shirt tonight. I don’t own one, but figured I would go through your dresser and see if I could find anything to wear in your clothes. I found your Superman shirt, although very fitted, I was able to wear it under my jacket. It meant so much when people came to your Celebration of Life wearing Minecraft, Lego, or red. Miss Clarissa even had those red Lego shirts that they made with your picture on them. It was important for me to bring that pet of you with me.

Before I left, I went up and talked to the little boy. I told him that I had been talking to you and told you to go find him. I told him that if you hadn’t found him yet, to keep a lookout for Isaiah. I also told him that although you guys aren’t family, that you’d make an excellent older brother figure for him and would show him all the fun stuff.

I’m not going to go to the funeral tomorrow, because it’s just too much. There was a video playing with pictures and short clips of soccer practices and playing in the water and it was hard to watch. I was looking at all these memories going by, knowing that the precious life behind those memories is over. I was watching those pictures and knew exactly the pain that his mom and dad would feel watching these memories go by.

Nobody deserves this pain. Please keep a lookout for Jett, if you haven’t already found him. Maybe you could even introduce him to CeCe and bring together all these spirits that you never knew on this Earth, but have come to be part of your life when you’re gone.

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.