My sweet boy,

Earlier today, Elijah was in his room playing with the magnetic blocks. He had built a large cube with them and was putting it over his head to look through it or something. As soon as I saw him doing it, it reminded me of when you were younger, wanted to make a helmet with them, and kept crying because every time you lowered it onto your head it broke. Your head was too big for the magnetic block helmet, but you were so determined. You rebuilt it and tried to put it on your head at least ten times. I tried to tell you that it wasn’t your building skills and it was just the size of your head, but you didn’t want to hear a word I had to say. I told Elijah about the story and was laughing and crying at the same time. Elijah laughed, but told me he was sorry for making me cry. I made sure to tell him he didn’t make me cry and I was thankful that he just made that memory come back into my mind.

We went for a walk tonight and found our trick or treating route. Your brothers were so excited about the thought of trick or treating there and how much candy they would get. As they were excitedly talking and Ellie was yelling at them for no reason, I wondered how excited you’d be. I don’t think anybody would be able to keep up with you this year. You were always willing to stay out longer and run to each house.

While we were walking, I had to plan out how trick or treating would go in my mind. These houses are farther apart from each other, there’s a lot of hills, and it’ll just be me with your siblings. Every year, someone has dropped out of trick or treating early and either daddy or I took the early birds back. I can’t do that this year, everyone is going to have to suck it up until the majority is ready to be done.

We also used to circle around to drop off candy halfway through so you guys wouldn’t have to carry all of it the entire time, but this route doesn’t allow that. I figured I will just carry a large backpack with bags in it to separate candy and lighten bags.

My idea of my “family” has been taken from me and I was never consulted before any of it. There’s so many complicated things that came with your loss. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.