My baby,

Life is off right now and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at this weird place where I’m terrified of leaving Hawaii and feel like I should be spending every last second on the beach, but am also ready to get out of here and don’t feel like going anywhere. I’m just tired. I’m tired of thinking, tired of stressing, tired of trying to figure life out. The anxiety has gone up a notch now that the movers took everything out of the house. I feel like I’m just sitting and waiting now. There’s no cleaning, packing, or other thing to distract me and fill my list in my mind of the million things I have to do. Now I’m left with things I need to do before we leave, but they aren’t just staring me in the face now.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure how to navigate this. I realize that there isn’t an answer and fix for everything, and maybe this is one of those things. I just have to figure out how to sit through it. I don’t want to “fix it”, but I feel like there’s a better way to deal with everything. I feel like there’s a better way to sit in this anxious feeling, but not letting it take over my entire mind and body.

Elijah has been asking to go to Kolekole one last time before we left so him and I went today. We only went to your secret spot because he wanted to make sure we were back down and home in time for the Super Bowl. We also stopped to see the “haunted house” before we hiked. We walked up to it and I asked him if he wanted to go inside, but he definitely didn’t want to do that. It seemed like the longer he stared at it, the more anxious he got.

I need your guidance and strength right now, sweetie. I’m struggling and feel like at times I’m absolutely losing my mind. I don’t want to leave this island without you.

I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.