My baby,

I was thinking about your eyes today as we were driving to Kennywood. People always used to comment on how beautiful your eyes were and we would agree and tell them that you’d have whatever you wanted when you got older with eyes like that. I never thought I wouldn’t actually get to see those eyes grow up and become a man.

I had therapy yesterday and she pointed something out that I tend to do all the time. I don’t allow myself to have whatever feelings I have. Instead, I try to justify why they should be different and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Then I question whether what I’m thinking is really what I’m thinking.

I don’t really know if I was always like this before losing you. I’m guessing I was, if not worse. I think losing you has just caused me to really look and over analyze everything. It’s also put me in “survival mode” for way too long and I’m extremely aware of my emotions and mental space.

Lucas has been asking me a lot lately if things that he thinks and does are “normal”. Is it normal that he doesn’t dream in color? (I will be honest with this one, I was thrown off in my head by this comment. I guess I just never thought twice about it and figured everyone’s dreams were in color). Is it normal that he’s scared of roller coasters? Is it normal that he thinks everything has feelings? He’s always worried about what is “normal”.

My answer is always the same to him, that there “is no normal”. I told him how he feels about things is how he feels about things. Everyone has different thoughts and feelings about different things, there is no normal. Some people don’t like roller coasters just like some people don’t like ice cream. Some people dream in black and white just like some people don’t have full conversations in their heads (learning that fact a few years ago blew my mind). I just wish I could take the advice I so quickly hand out to you guys and I think is important, but I can’t.

Ellie overheard me tell my therapist I worry if I’m a good mom or not. She’s heard me say that before apparently. She told me, “I don’t know why you ask that, you know you are”. It’s complicated, but maybe I should just start listening to them.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.