My baby,

I don’t have words to truly describe today. It seemed extremely uneventful, but was overly emotional. Ellie and Elijah went to their last days of school here in Hawaii, I attempted to pack a lot, got snacks and stuff for the airplane, and we went to Teddy’s for the final time. Yes, I know I said the last time was the final time, but daddy wanted everyone to go since he didn’t go last time.

As I walked Ellie to school this morning, she started talking about you. She said that she’s pretty sure she knows how you passed away. She concluded that you had a seizure and then that triggered a heart problem. Ellie then went on to talk about how she didn’t get to say her final words to you. She also felt bad that she killed your sheep in Minecraft, but she was too scared to tell you. I’m not sure if you follow what I’m saying, because I actually don’t know what I’m talking about. She said that you had found some rare sheep, she wanted to shear them, but their wool didn’t grow back in one Minecraft day. When it didn’t grow back right away, she was afraid that you’d get mad of her so she killed the sheep. Ellie then respawned sheep and dyed their wool pink so you wouldn’t know the difference. She still feels extremely bad about it and wishes she would have told you that.

Picking up Elijah from his last day of Pre-K was so sad. Elijah was just crying and giving his friends a hug goodbye. He got to take his graduation picture and got a picture of him and his whole class together. I thanked his teachers for creating such a safe place for him. He openly talked about missing you all the time at school. Just the other day he was sitting with two other kids who lost a grandparent within the last two months. The three of them kind of just sat there and talked about losing someone. I’m going to miss that place and everyone there. I have a lot of memories there with all of you guys since you would come with me on the days I had to volunteer for Lucas’ class.

I talked to my therapist today about having a difficult time saying goodbye to people here. I am used to having to say goodbye to other military families. If they didn’t leave us, we left them. However, now I’m having to say goodbye to permanent people. I’ve never had a community outside of the military. We’ve lived on post nearly every time and that’s just the way it was. This time around I did find a community both inside and outside of the military. I found these amazing individuals who helped me keep going during these horrible times. My therapist said maybe I can’t find the perfect way to say goodbye because this is what I wanted for us with Isaiah and I didn’t get it. She said that maybe since I didn’t get to say goodbye to you, that I’m trying to make sure every other one is amazing. I’m not quite sure if I agree with that, but maybe.

The one person I did get to see and say goodbye to today was the one and only, Mrs. Holmes. That woman instantly makes my day better by just being there. It’s easy to understand why you liked her so much. There’s only one “Mrs. Holmes”.

I’m sorry, baby. I fell asleep again while putting Elijah to sleep. It’s my final sleep in the house and I have so much I need to do tomorrow. I love you so much, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.