My baby,

Leaving the lagoon was hard. I didn’t think that would be the hardest part. I turned around a few times on my way out just to get another glance. It’s a place I had never been before and the only memory I have of there is terrible. Walking away hurt for some reason.

Elijah was going through my pictures today and saw the ones from the beach. I left earlier this morning while everyone was sleeping and just said I was at “the beach”. I wasn’t planning on telling them which one. I didn’t know how they would react. Elijah saw one picture of just the ocean and asked, “Is that where Isaiah died?”. He was only four when it happened and we’ve been to so many beaches. I didn’t know he’d so easily be able to pick it out. Sadly, I guess that means that pictures of that day are burned into your siblings’ brains too.

The rest of today was just emotionally draining. I spent a portion of it just crying. It’s kind of like I was able to hold it together as I went through everything, but then my body paid the price for the rest of the day.

I’ve been trying to organize and pack a little for the move and that’s making things harder. I was organizing the art closet today and pulled out your ziplock bag of supplies you brought home from school last year. You had a smiley eraser in the bag and made sure you drew your own smiley face on the other side of the eraser. I’m clinging to every physical thing because that’s all I have left.

I love you so much, my baby. Please help me find the strength for this. Goodnight and sweet dreams.